Day 160: Help Lara Get Rid of Claire (with love)

So we recently read this book by Jennifer Cox, Around The World in 80 Dates, and I got inspired. Basically, the main chick gets set up by all her friends around the world to find her "soulmate" because she's sick of dating the people she has at home. She literally goes around the world getting set up on a variety cool and horrible dates, which do, eventually, end in her meeting someone.

Finding dating to be one of the more entertaining things to hear about, and certainly one of the most entertainingly awkward things to watch happen, I have decided to (respectably) prostitute my travel buddy, the lovely Claire. She has agreed because she is a kind person who knows how boring our conversations have become. That, and her friend from high school (the oft-mentioned berry biologist) has pointed out sweetly that she needs a partner other than "Lara and Jesus." (Claire being Christian and all. I don’t quite get what this means, but apparently it’s important so note this fact well.)

So here's my Incredibly Good Plan (IGP). We have readers and friends all over the world, who undoubtedly know people who would agree to date my Claire. I think this is a good idea. I will gain 1) time alone 2) conversation material 3) vast amounts of entertainment 4) I suppose the chance Claire could have some fun too. The IGP should go like this (thank you for the inspiration, Ms. Cox):

I post this entry. People email us ( with ideas for people Claire can meet up with. I get to screen (I have yet to determine if Claire gets in on this process) and set up dates for her wherever we are. Muahahahaha. I might get to dress her too. There also might be some filming of the event, as Adam (the film editor), like me, thinks it will be entertaining.

Here’s Why You Should Help Me:

Claire is Lovely. I have managed to not kill her and have been with her NONSTOP for six months. Alternatively, which may be a better recommendation, she has managed not to kill me. She is blonde and hot in that way old people and college frat boys both notice. She has a runner’s body in the best sense of the word but still eats normal food that does not only involve low carbs. Girly, but able to do tough things like climb mountains. Well groomed. Hygienic. Likes dogs to a tolerable degree, and is working on the cat thing. Would never say anything like “long walks on the beach,” and is not Scary to eat dinner with.

She is also in demand, considering the girl has managed to go on dates with literally TWO movie star people on this trip so far (I don’t know why…Bollywood and Pakistani movie stars who get stopped on the street by random Nepalese people because they are so famous seem to love her). Among others.

I am pimping her out because I want to get in on the action. Not literally.

Which reminds me, I should tell you that she is straight (sorry ladies).

Take Home Lessons:

1. Claire is Hot (but straight)
2. We need Entertainment
3. I need Alone Time
4. All Advice is Welcome
5. Jennifer Cox, this means you.
6. Future Locales: Singapore, Paris, Beijing, Mongolia (the hottest men are here, we hear), Throughout Russia, Cairo, Nairobi and Kilimanjaro, Cancun, San Francisco, Seattle, Las Vegas (no strippers please (except Christian ones); or prostitutes despite some interesting stories from last time we were in Vegas involving Claire and a long conversation about “inner light” with a lovely hooker named Christine), Mauritius, Saudi Arabia etc etc etc. You know, the usual.
7. Email us (!!!!!!!

Here is a Poem to contemplate as you read through this. Claire subscribes to The Writer's Almanac and gets daily tidbits and thinks this one is funny and entertaining.


And The Men" by Tony Hoagland from Hard Rain: A Chapbook. © Hollyridge Press.

And The Men

want back in:
all the Dougs and the Michaels, the Darnells, the Erics and Jos├ęs,
they're standing by the off-ramp of the interstate
holding up cardboard signs that say WILL WORK FOR RELATIONSHIP.

Their love-mobiles are rusty.
Their Shaggin' Wagons are up on cinderblocks.
They're reading self-help books and practicing abstinence,
taking out Personals ads that say
"Good listener would like to meet lesbian ladies,
for purposes of friendship only."

In short, they've changed their minds, the men:
they want another shot at the collaborative enterprise.
Want to do fifty-fifty housework and childcare;
They want commitment renewal weekends and couples therapy.

Because being a man was finally too sad—
In spite of the perks, the lifetime membership benefits.
And it got old,
telling the joke about the hooker and the priest

at the company barbeque, praising the vintage of the beer and
punching the shoulders of a bud
in a little overflow of homosocial bonhomie—
Always holding the fear inside
like a tipsy glass of water—

Now they're ready to talk, really talk about their feelings,
in fact they're ready to make you sick with revelations of
their vulnerability—
A pool of testosterone is spreading from around their feet,
it's draining out of them like radiator fluid,
like history, like an experiment that failed.

So here they come on their hands and knees, the men:
Here they come. They're really beaten. No tricks this time.
No fine print.
Please, they're begging you. Look out.


SavvySunshine said...

OMG Hilarity will ensue! Please, please, PLEASE include us in on said hilarity!


Sansoucri said...

You should set up a dating application that can be filled out on your website by guys around the world.

That would be funny.

You guys still have the coolest jobs in the world!

Good Guy said...

Good stuff.

Best Regards, Testosterone Friend

Tim said...

This is humorous. The possibilities....
I live in Vegas. When you coming by?

Claire and Lara said...

This is Lara. Scheming, of course. Idea of an application? Genius.

As for Vegas...we're there in early December...for a bacheloreette party so I'm sure things will be calm and demure to start off with anyway.

And Savvy--of course you will be included in the hilarity. I have claimed full rights to comment on all goings on. muahahahahaha

Stickler said...

I've always found that when my friends set me up with someone or something I find out what they truly think of me. This is why I have no friends anymore. Oh and I would like to be put ont he list as one of the possible guys, I like long walks on the beach and romantic candle light dinners!

rory: princess of pepper said...

Claire the Scheming and Dictatorial Blog Editor has ordered me to reiterate the following, which was part of a previous email:

"oh and i have some good candidates for your dating project. would you prefer french or american?"

there was a second part, but i am afraid to write it on a public forum. because it is about one person, and it is not totally flattering. and what if that person ends up marrying claire and reading this blog and hating me forever even though I was the one who SET THEM UP in PARIS in 2006?????

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